Go Get Her (Day 1 to day 20)
by Valerie Gingras
Summary: What Rommie did during the month she went away on her own to see the world once again and when she realized Lillian ment home.


Go get her

It's the first time I've said goodbye to someone before going to the world, where all the spirits connects. It's a bit like I had really said "see you later". There's the whole wide world out there, yet I could be missing out on it right now, remaining in Lillian's cosy world. But, this is why I had to go away in the first place, before I got too attached. I was scared of getting sucked in, unable to move, unable to live as freely as I've done until now.

I never stayed in place so long since I became Roomie: the free spirit hippie who loves everyone and belongs everywhere. So many people see me as something more, yet she saw me as I was. Finally: someone who didn't put me on a pedestal.

It's been a while since I'm in this town. What was its name again? Screw that; let's give her a pretty girl name, like Lillian.

It's been a while since I'm in Lilian. I know her every curves, her every moves. She knows how to make a girl feel comfortable, almost at home. I tasted her sweetest juice, explored her sweetest spot. It's like I can only do the same things over and over again or else I will sink straight into deception. But, what if my little legs roaming in her stopped feeling so good? What if I got tired of it?

My whole life could be contained into that hole. I have to get out of here while I still can.

I'm giving myself back to the world. Goodbye Jo's bar, goodbye Lillian, goodbye friends. It's just me and my thoughts. Once again.

I missed this particular bench. When I sit on this side, I can see the water running. I'm free to imagine what's on the other side. I heard it was Native land. If you forget about the fact that we are actually living on Native land and that's just the part we left them, it's pretty nice to think about.

Sometimes I wish I had more Native blood so I could talk to trees without smoking weed.

When I sit on the other side, I can see children play. There's always something awkward about watching children when you don't have any of your own and you're too old to play with them, so I prefer looking at the river. But you can't always avoid one of them getting curious.

Hey, what are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just looking at the water thinking about stuff.

That's like _so_ boring!

Well, if you don't like it, go back playing with your friends.

Do you think I'll be like you someday?

What do you mean?

That I'll stop having fun in life and I'll have to enjoy watching it pass right before my eyes.

That's up to you.

Come on, play with us. We'll let you be the wolf.

I stop caring if the parents would stare and I had fun. I was actually sad when they left. Then I remembered I wasn't so young anymore and that I had no one to take me back home.

I hopped in the bus because of the rain. The windows were so foggy you couldn't see outside. I didn't want to miss the whole fun of discovering a new part of town, so I had to make a little see trough hole several times. Then this cute girl came in. I don't really know if cute is the right word for it. She had pretty hair and an inviting face. I couldn't stop eying her. She noticed it, but didn't seem to mind. She wrote something on the window: a tag of some sort. I dreamed that we could exchange cryptic messages that her chaperon, probably her mother, could not intercept. She kept tagging as I kept watching. I could not resist and I drew a cat on my window. It made her laugh. We exchanged smiles. I still don't know if this can really count as flirting.

I walked for a while by the river creek. The wind was caressing me softly, holding me in its warm embrace. I sat under a tree. It was big and tall. It had been there for decades and would surely still be there after I pass away. The grass was gently tickling my skin. I fell on it and cuddled with mother nature. My spirit connected to everything around it: birds, bikes, bugs, dirt, plants, people, water, wind... I just lied there for a while, letting my thoughts wander; just being happy there, in that moment, in this wonderful world.

Then I turned around, putting my hand under my head. The grass was so tall it was like being a child again, trying to look over a fence, my eyes barely reaching the top. In the third of my vision that was cleared, I was able to apprehend all the beings I was going to meet during my life. Then, Lillian appeared in front of me. I felt like she could contain all the people I loved in this world. Loving her felt like loving every last human being on the earth. I thanked this hell of a world that made me able to meet her.

I felt like a solider crawling under trenches, thinking about all her loved ones. Maybe this was some kind of final epiphany, yet I had no reason to believe I would die soon. So, I took a moment to really enjoy this moment of perfect happiness, trying not to wonder what I would think about it when I would stop being able to see my life from an external point of view.

I slowly sifted to my side. There was a little bug, one of the smallest life form you could observe with bare eyes. It looked like it didn't know where to go, climbing a leaf of grass, reaching the top just to find out it couldn't continue that way, returning on its steps, shifting leaf, endlessly, trying to find a path to God-knows-where, maybe merely looking for food.

I saw myself in that bug, lost and insecure, trying to find something, always trying to reach somewhere or to find someone interesting or to be found. I wish I could communicate with the insect so it could tell me where to take it.

I was getting thirsty. The shopping mall seemed like a good place to begin my quest. Aside from the food court where there was some people talking, all of the aisles where deserted and the sops closed down. My path followed the washroom sign.

I caught sight of a cute Bat Girl. Maybe this was some sort of mirage caused by the thirst trying to drive me away from the oasis. I stayed strong and managed to find the gender categorising doors. No sign of a fountain for a mile around.

I went through the door for people who wore dresses even though I was wearing shorts, a white shirt and a badass melon hat. I had to drink directly from the water faucet. It was warm. At that point I was so thirsty; I didn't even care if the water was drinkable.

During one of my wanderings, I stumbled upon a bar. I entered the place apprehensive, for I had never been in that part of town before. The people looked open and friendly, and, most importantly, the beer was cheap.

A girl eyed me out, but I didn't answer her silent plea. I was a bit dumfounded by my own course of action. For me, casual sex was like hugs are for some: an easy and enjoyable was to show people you liked them. Yet, I didn't feel like it, like I was already happy enough without it.

I went to the washroom. Two girls went in the stall right beside mine. One of them was leaning on their common wall. She moaned. I couldn't help picturing being the one devouring her, liking her slit like a cat lapping milk, my finger playing with her clit, slightly teasing her insides as I slowly began to enjoy myself.

At her shoes, I recognized the girl who flirted with me. There was not much that I could tell about her partner aside from the fact that her skin was of a darker tone. That kept me going.

They shifted roles. The sounds made me feel as I was peeping on them. I was deadly jealous: it had been a week since I had sex. I came loudly. I rushed out, ashamed.

There was this girl sitting on a bench at the bus stop: she had a huge smile and laughed a lot. It seemed that the conversation she was having was super exiting. I wonder if I ever would be able to make Lillian smile that way. I sat beside her as if I was waiting for the bus too.

I wanted to tell her she had a beautiful smile. She looked a bit like Lillian. I don't really know what about her made me make that association, but it was like it was Lillian that was here with me, smiling and laughing. It was hard not wanting to see her again.

But, it wasn't the end of my adventure yet, for I had not found what had made me go away in the first place.

I came upon a punk with a squeegee that washed car windows for money. He asked me for some change and I refused politely: I didn't think giving some to him would really end up making a difference in his life, for he would surely use it to by drug. He then asked me for a hug. I thought it was weird, but I hugged him anyways. He seemed happy about it and went on his way.

It was not what I pictured hugging a homeless person would feel like.

Death is a hard thing to face, even indirectly. She always lurks over your shoulder, waiting to get you.

Every time I pass in front of a cemetery, my heart tightened: I can't help but to wonder when I will be laying under the ground, eating dandelion by their roots. I can already see my gravestone: my name, two dates: one I know, the other, I hope, won't be too soon; and a sentence full of wisdom: "I'm dead– You're alive– Don't just stand there and cry– Live!– I can tell you, it's way more fun than being here."

To me, being happy in life doesn't mean living like you're gonna die tomorrow. I wouldn't care about what I did if I was going to die soon; I wouldn't even care if I actually did something! I wouldn't even flirt with Lillian: that would be just sadistic: telling her I love her, just to die on her.

I always wonder if it's actually worth it– staying by her side, I mean. She makes me feel like I was just okay as I am. I just wish I could make her feel like that too.

I think I'm actually able to make her happy. She looked like she was genuinely smiling when she was with me. Maybe that's what's really important: not being selfish, doing something for someone else without getting anything in return. But, it's not like she didn't give me anything. It's not like I didn't get most of what I wanted from that relationship. What about her?

We're two different beings. Me getting closer to her won't change that. I must begin to understand that I can have a space of my own, like she does, and that, maybe, I don't actually need cuddles to sleep well.

I didn't understand Lillian sometimes: how could she not see what I saw when I looked at her? How could she have such low expectation for life? She had been really depressed when I first met her. She had been sleeping incredibly often. Recently, she had become livelier. I think she did a lot of progress.

I guess I can't see what was so special about me either. I'm just your traditional go getter, living like there no tomorrow, just being there, fluttering like a bubble of champagne. Nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me. Just being happy being alive, not really caring about anyone but myself. I'm not really a good person, but the important thing is to have fun.

Now, it's like I actually have some deeper attachment to someone beside myself. I have a place to call home, a place I have to protect, to return to. It's really scary for me. I look back on all my party girl years and wonder if it was all a lie or if it was my true self and I lost it for a while, because of her. I fear that I will become normal. Just a normal person that can accept that life is hard and that you have to work to get what you want.

I could never understand people that looked at me like I was a star in the sky. I was just normal, barely normal and complex, even if I wanted to look like I was not. Now, what scares me the most is that I can actually reflect on it. I must have changed at some point without even noticing it.

I saw a bus coming from the end of the street. I hoped in wondering where it would take me. There was a girl who wore a hat similar to mine, so I made her a brief salute by brushing my finger on the edge of my headgear. She smiled. It felt like the randomness of the world was making sense again. Some people went off the bus and I could move to be right in front of her.

I looked at her and I noticed that she was looking at me. I couldn't help but wonder if she appreciated what she saw. I knew I did. I really liked the whole gothic style she was pulling of: sweet little cross earrings, dark laced leather boots and a nice jacket covering the most important part of her outfit.

There was music coming from the driver seat. I couldn't help but follow it discreetly. At some point, I was really sowing off in front of her, hoping she would notice. I looked again and she was switching songs on her IPod. I was a bit sad we were not listening to the same tune. She got up and I took her place. She waved goodbye to me.

At least we had noticed each other: that was most important.

While I was waiting for the bus, an awesome scent flirted with my nose, making me a little dizzy. I looked at the girl who it was emanating from: she was okay: cool dreadlocks, a face that wasn't uncute, but something about her general shape just didn't fit with her flagrance. Her sent would make me fall head over heels, but in the end, she was just ordinary.

I sat in the bus and was lucky enough that she sat somewhere I could keep watching her a little. I couldn't sniff her flagrance anymore, so I got tired of it very quickly.

I certainly hope that it's some perfume you can by and not her own.

Sometimes, I can't believe how lucky I am. Like how I always find a place to crash when I'm drunk, or how I never had big trouble with any of my roommates, or what just happened today. I could not believe it myself.

There was this super cute chick sitting on a bench reading Tolstoï. I was like: "What a great read". She asked me if I read some of his works, but I told her I just knew him by name, which was kind of sad since I used to study literature. She thought she had saw me somewhere and asked me when I began my studies. We found out that we had share a class several years ago.

It was like a magical encounter, fate, destiny: whatever you may call it. Things were going so well I managed to ask her name and cell phone number and she gave them to me! I was so happy.

Then I thought of Lillian. What did she have to do with me reconnecting with some old study buddy? It was not like I was really hoping for something to happen with her.

I don't even know which love would be more hopeless.

The best things in life are free: music, friends, the beer and the food they give you.

There's nothing better than sitting in a park and listening to a band who won some prizes. Just staying there, relaxing and enjoying the goodness of their songs: that's when living in the present start making sense.

All was good, until it started raining a little. It didn't bother me, but the outdoor show was called off. That pissed me off a bit. I looked at them: I could not believe it: musician packing everything over three drops of rain, spectators running away like they could melt. I went this close to ask the main artist why he was going away: it was not really raining and I could swear it would stop soon.

I looked around me and everyone had their umbrella open or was rushing to cover from the imaginary danger.

The rain was really warm. I almost liked sitting there and letting it "pour" on me, but I didn't really wanted to wait until it stopped to see if the band would come back.

Dam you rain, if only you were worth running away from.

I was waiting for the metro, starting to be bored, when I saw a lovely girl. She wore a tight shirt and a pair of tinny black shorts with fishnets to match. Her legs were mind blowing: incredibly long and thin and tall ending with little feet enclosed in ballet shoes. She executed a few moves with them. I wanted to know if she was a dancer or if it was just a hobby. I couldn't ask because she was listening to music. I couldn't help but wonder what she was listening too.

I entered the same train as her without her even noticing. I didn't remember which drug I took, but I had trouble staying upright. All of the seats were taken. The image of the cute ballet dancer didn't make my body feel any lighter. After one or two stops, I gave up as the urge to sit down was too strong. Instead of getting out of the metro to find a bench, I sat directly on the floor. An old woman offered me her place. This was all backwards, but I didn't care: I was too desperate to refuse. I took her seat and thanked her.

After a little while, I feel asleep. My head was all fuzzy. I woke up at the sound of someone bagging on the window. When I realised the reason behind there course of action, the doors were already closed and I was alone in the metro. It was now driving pass the last stop, which was my own, and heeding towards the tunnel of death.

I was scared of reaching another dimension where someone would kill everyone like I saw in some horror movie. But, I guess I was alone, so I should have not worried about being safe. The metro stopped and I was afraid it might never go back to the quay. I could have been be stuck there for a while.

It finally returned to the quay. I fled the train as soon as I could. I was exhausted, but also relived.

There was a girl; her skin was just like hot hot chocolate. I just wanted to eat her up and find out if she was the same shade everywhere. I wish I would have been able to tell her her eyeliner or her eyelashes were beautiful. Her clothes followed her curves perfectly. Her hairs were brought up in a messy bun. She was so tall, yet she whore hi heels. I wouldn't have mind being dominated by that.

Then I noticed her super long nails. Dam, she was probably strait. What I heard from the conversation she was having with her friends confirmed my hunch: they were talking about boys.

Oh well, I still had Lillian. Wait she wasn't mine… She wasn't my girl. What was she then: a very special friend? just another roommate? the girl I loved endlessly without any real chance of getting her?

Maybe spending time alone like this really was the best way to figure out what I felt for her. I know I probably wanted to have sex with her, but that never was the most important thing. Maybe what I really want is just to be there for her in any way possible.

The friendship she gives me is everything to me. I know I shouldn't keep wishing for more: I don't want to risk everything on a stupid feeling I'm not even sure about. I care too much about Lillian: that really scares me sometimes. What if I start forgetting about my own needs? What if I try to be there for her forever, in any way possible, just because I can't help it? Then, what with happen to me if she finds someone else?

I suppose that once that happens, I will be able to move on without being scared of leaving her all alone, knowing she has someone else to take her though the hard times; knowing it's just not the role I have to play in her life. I can't just leave her alone right now.

At the same time, maybe this is actually the biggest proof of love: being able to give up on my feelings if it's the only way I can stay by her side.

I tried Lillian's way of living for one day, without even planning it.

It all began with not wanting to get out of bed. Usually, when the sun hits my lashes, inviting me to tackle a new day, I immediately wake up, beaming with energy. However, I just shifted to my other side and went back to sleep.

I felt just like a cat: even resting was tiring; eating or going to the washroom would take all my energy and it wouldn't be long before I went back to my bed, continuing my dream where I left it.

Like always, I couldn't help but to dream of Lillian. Remembering all the good times we had together, all the times I slept in her bed without being invited would ease my mind. Just knowing she existed somewhere putted a silly smile on my face.

When I don't take enough caution, I start dreaming of having sex with her. It's always strange, cause I never saw her naked. It's all very fuzzy: when my oneiric double plunges her fingers into Lillian's depth, I feel nothing beside excitement. I feel like exploring my own fantasy instead of Lillian herself.

Maybe Lillian is actually really wild in bed. Maybe she would jump me in a very sweet way: caressing me everywhere like she would cuddle every inch of my body; licking me all over in order to imprint herself with my taste.

Maybe Lillian is the real explorer between the two of us: who knows what she's discovering in her world of dreams?

An empty can of soda rolled down the street pushed by the wind of fate. My eyes followed it and soon, so did my body. "Rolling can doesn't gather dust," I thought.

I lifted one foot and spawn on myself to mimic it. I must certainly have looked like a fool. Luckily there was no one to see. This gesture almost cost me to lose sight of the can. I ran a little to catch up whit it.

"Just keep moving forward– Never look back– Just keep moving– You won't gather dust– Keep moving so your life won't pass you by."

My life is all around me. The world is full of opportunities for someone like me who knows how to catch them. Yet, what was it that I truly wanted? Would I really find it by acting as foolishly as I was?

All I have done in the past two weeks and a half was to look around, to browse through the possibilities without ever settling on something. I don't know how far I want to go and what kind of answer I'm looking for exactly. I follow my hunches, the wind, the people; anything that made sense.

Am I looking for myself? I don't think so. I feel like I know exactly where I stand. Am I searching for somewhere to belong then? Lillian's apartment as already this home feeling, so that's not it. Like I could really find something better…

This is not the time to have a mid-trip crisis. I'm not ready to head back yet. I just know it. I don't feel like I really went as far as I wanted to go. My home is everywhere why would that change suddenly? Yet I can't help but to think about all the things I left back there. I miss having somewhere to return to; someone to return to.

I wonder if Lillian is worried about me. I can't call her: if I hear her voice, I'll know I'll rush strait to her without thinking twice.

You can see its summer: all the girls are dressed hotter. It's hard not to notice the beauty all around you.

I'm kind of tired of having one way crushes on the metro: even if I see a girl who makes my heart flutter, I'll probably never see her again. I wish that, at least once, I would be able to hit on someone properly in the public transportation.

Perky lips, nice shades, awesome tan, wonderful summer dress; she had it all. She was pretty much perfect for me. Yet, someone had decided I was not at the right place to hit on people.

Sometimes, I want to go blind, to stop being able to see beauty in people, in life. Yeah, it would be boring, but at least I wouldn't constantly be distracted; at least I would never have to get hurt. There would be no temptation: I would know where to stand. I would know for sure that Lillian is the only one for me. She is surly the kindest with me right now.

This is getting boring. I hope I will be able to sight something truly unusual, something that would make me lose balance. If it won't happen, then I'm wasting my time, than I'd rather return home even if I already paid my stay for the whole month.

I'm just feeling slightly nostalgic.

There was a girl with a cute mini-skirt and an awesome band shirt: two naked girls touching their own boobs in a heart. They looked in ecstasy. They both had X's on their breasts and a bunch of tattoos. The one on the left had a storm trooper on the shoulder.

I was sure that if I wore a t-shirt like that, all the girls would hit on me. I almost made a pass at her myself, but at the last time I notice "Suicide Girls" written under the heart. Maybe she didn't swing that way. I couldn't know: this was just a band shirt. I was deceived.

Looking back on it, I should have taken my chance: what was the worst that could have happened anyways?

As usual, I redid my lipstick on the metro. Fate made it so that a girl way doing the same thing right at my left. Somehow she managed to get it pitch perfect. My own lipstick was all over the place. It wasn't the metro fault; I'm just bad at it. I brushed my finger on what was overstepping the lips boundaries, only making it worst. I tried again, with a bit of saliva on it. I switched finger several time. I was on the verge of giving up.

Then, the girl took a tissue out of her purse and wiped me. I was too astonished to even feel her finger on my cheek. She gave me the tissue so I could finish the job. It seemed like, for her this was nothing at all. I was about to say something when she left the metro to switch lines.

I wasn't able to follow her, even if I had nothing better to do.


End file.
